When You're About to Give Up

Blow after blow. Life delivers accurately like a boxer's punches hitting you where it hurts the most. What do you do? Buckle down? Throw up your hands and run? Or hide? Or say, "Where is God?" Doubting Him as if He hasn't cared enough, loved enough or given enough proof that He does?

Sounds like Job's wife.

There was a great man named Job, God-fearing and blameless, who had everything--- a beautiful family and great possessions--- all that any man could dream of during his time. Then out of nowhere (for Job), catastrophe after catastrophe fell and he lost his children and all his possessions. Next, he got boils, painful to the core and occupying freely his skin from head to soles. That's when his wife spoke up: “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).

It's so easy to turn into Job's wife, when the loving and responsible man you envisioned your husband to be morphs into less than what he seems, when the family you've wanted become a constant reminder of your weaknesses, when you're fighting the strong current of recession or onslaught of disease, or when you're simply trying to keep your head above a business fast sinking or stress at school or work.

Recently I had a similar sentiment as Job's wife, even as I felt like I couldn't recover from another blow. But I heard Job reprimanding me, "Don't be foolish!" And I realized the blow was more on my pride than what I thought was my faith. Oh, I, of little faith!

And for days, I was a wimp. I wasn't strong, even as Christian friends encouraged me. I wasn't brave, nor happy, or hopeful. I was disappointed, frustrated and full of regrets--- if only...

Until a memory in Facebook reminded me of what I had written two years ago, when I was away from my husband and children, and all my longing was centered on being back with them. Ironically, now that I'd gotten what I wanted, I realized that it was really not what I wanted. I want a Christian home. Year after year, night and day, I struggled to keep my family together in walking with the Lord. And there were plenty of times I felt alone.

So there I was, wanting my something but the nothing was not an option. I have to settle for what I have and what I have is imperfect.

I didn't like that. As the days passed and I wallow in pity, having a party no one else can join, and mad at God, Job spoke to me... and a cup, too.

Job's voice in my thoughts as he reprimanded his wife:

“You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. 

Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10).

 Right after, I heard him worship God, 

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

And naked shall I return there.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;

Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

(Job 1:21)

I felt foolish. 

When Jesus bore that cross on His shoulders, no sound of whining escaped His mouth. After all, that cross was supposed to be mine. When He hanged there with a broken heart, He did so without regret, because He loves me. How can I ever doubt that He cares? 

I thought marriage had made me better. And motherhood. And all those books and courses. And sermons and Bible studies. And life lessons and experiences. And people I've met and know. But I failed. And in failing, I blamed God for not changing my circumstances and the people around me. After all these years.

God though is merciful. I didn't get what I deserve--- a spank on the bottom. Instead, I got a picture of a cup, imperfect but beautiful with its rough edges.

One imperfect cup as made by a famous ceramic artist, told me there's beauty in imperfection. Ah, yes, and in authenticity. I know my reaction to my situation was totally uncalled for for a Christian and that was why I felt disappointed. In myself. I thought I knew better. I thought I was on my way, as I long for, to becoming a better person, one with God's Kingdom in her. But, no, I still run out of faith.

And there I was, with faith dead as the ashes. And with anything dead, only God can bring back to life. So even as faith died, God was there.

Remember Elijah? He felt alone, praying himself dead and hid himself in a cave (1 King 19:9,10). But even with His lack of faith, God was there.

David, despite committing a great sin, knew this for sure. "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?" (Psalm 118:6).

In all our struggles, God is with us. We are never alone, even when we feel that we are.

And all those rough spots in our character and life? All those out of our control? Ah, the Lord is still in control, especially, with all those that are out of our control. He is still God. He makes our rough edges beautiful--- stripping us of the cover-ups and masks that we put on to hide our real selves and our self-sufficiency. We may appear imperfect, but in His hands we are beautiful, fitted to reveal His glory. Because, yes, we were made for His glory and His alone.

So tonight, I want to worship with Job: The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord!





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Courage

I have decided to follow Jesus. I've sung this since I was wearing childish bangs. These past few weeks, though, I have found myself needing some dose of courage. And true to His words, God provided me the encouragement to be brave.

I know I had been putting the decision off, thinking somehow that if I don't do anything or speak at all it will resolve itself. (Isn't that what we often wish? As if, evolution works!) But God works and in His mysterious way, He got my attention. Now I'm on to it and like a dog with a bone, I won't let go until I get my answer. The right one--- in line with His law of love.

I'm talking about being a mother, one who is given the responsibility to protect and raise God's children, providing them what they need and nurturing them to grow in the knowledge and grace of their Ultimate Parent. Because as women, we are builders of our homes. "The wise woman builds her house" (Proverbs 14:1). 

Beauty

Li'l Angelika in a costume made
by my late mother, when I was away
 and unable to be with my daughter,
a few days before 'the storm'.

Beauty
is not found in heavily made up ladies,
Neither in the sparkling diamonds or glitters of gold
Brimming from necks and limbs;
Nor in the latest models of gadgets or antiques of old,
Strings of possessions and processions of things.

Beauty---
if you care to look--- is in the eyes
Of one where joy resides, see as she smiles
At the future in this ocean of life,
Facing with mirth its every ebb of tide,
Grateful, joyful for every unexpected love
Committed on the vow she made to the One above.

Beyond the Storm: Peace

I am a mere mortal. I have a faulty understanding of how the Divine works. But it hasn't stopped me from trying.

Today is my mother's birthday if she were alive. My Ma--- loving, strong and tender. No one has seen her since that fateful night of November 8. She has disappeared in the storm together with my dear father. And, oh, how I've missed her.

There are times when I wonder what she would say to the things that are happening in my life-- celebratory or otherwise. She had been a bulwark in our home. She was courageous: taking on the journey God has set for her even if it meant giving up many of the things that could have been better in the world's eyes. She had always been excited for all of her children and it didn't matter for her whether we made it in the world because she knew each of us has a special path to take.

It has been hard accepting that she is gone. But God has not left me destitute.

The Sky and the Sea

The heavens declare the glory of God; And the firmament shows His handiwork.

Day unto day utters speech, And night unto night reveals knowledge.

(Psalm 19:1,2)

A few days ago, my family went on a hunting/fishing trip and made camp for a couple of nights by the seashore. As we witness the sun rise and set at such a breathtaking fashion, we didn't want to go back home even if it meant a nice, warm bath and comfortable beds. The children and I combed every inch of the beach. By afternoon of the first day, the baby was taking her own looooooong walks and I had to use Herculean tactics and effort to get her back to our camp site. The only indication of tiredness she showed were pretty nasty snoring by the time we slept before midnight. The children didn't want the days and the nights to end and mealtimes were fast, unlike at home when they could drag on for hours.

In the Midst of our Mess, Love Moves

It was ten years ago when my husband and I exchanged vows to love, honor and cherish each other. And at that time (and many other times), we asked God to help us love like He does.

But it took a lot of conflict, of making up, of learning and of growing up to do so. Not that we are close to loving like Him now than we were before, but we finally understood what it is like, what it takes and, yet, we still badly want to love each other like Him.

If only we knew what we know now, then we would have escaped many difficult times. But then, the Master Teacher knows best. We are just the students, reluctant to go through the process and to delve deep into the lessons, afraid of what it would entail and demand from us, but desiring so much to learn. Being in God's classroom of marriage, however, and experiencing what God wants was all worth the upheaval and work.

I wish I knew, really knew...

Want to Run from Marriage? Here are 3 Reasons Why You Can Stay

My husband and I at our friends' wedding,
reminiscing our own 'l do's'.

Last Sunday, I sang in a wedding. I sang the song which I took a dislike on while in college and boys would sing it to me while I passed by-- "We'll build a house, Zernah Faith..." just to tease me. Yeah, you must have heard of that song, Household of Faith. (If not, here's my little sis and her husband on their wedding day singing so divinely.) It's a beautiful wedding song for couples and today, just as last Sunday, I feel blessed for the privilege of singing it for my friends who are starting their lives as husband and wife together. I pray for them many perfect moments with the Lord, as they grow together in love.

But weddings don't tell us the real score in marriage. Weddings look so heavenly; marriage is hard. Weddings are filled with fun, tender moments; marriage with mundane, challenging and lonely times.

And yet, marriage is wonderful. It is one of the most wonderful gifts of God. It gets so much out of us and gives us back the deepest and fullest there is in this life that, we, humans could ever know. 

Having a spouse is a blessing. Didn't the scriptures say so? (Look up Proverbs 18:22). It is so sad, though, that many don't feel happy with their spouses and are ready to put on their running shoes and call their marriage quits.

Years ago, even a few months ago, giving up on my marriage would have never crossed my mind. But the conflicts at the home front had intensified, and then grown cold, that I felt so helpless and hopeless. I thought, wouldn't it be easier to simply give up? Why am I still here?

I was ready to put on my running shoes, well, actually, any shoes as long as it gets me far, far, far away. But like the many times in my life, even if I've been to places, the farthest I got was at Jesus' feet. I couldn't help but be on my knees groaning my heart out to Him with all it's ugly, sad contents. Maybe, just maybe, one more prayer would help? Not that I haven't prayed enough for my husband and I, our marriage and family. But, my, was I desperate!

So this time, while mentally at the door ready to bolt, I slowed down, unlaced my running shoes and put on my praying gloves. I cried my heart out to God. I know it wouldn't be fair to ask, 'Why me?' when so many women, and men, go through the same agony of struggling in their marriages, scared of seeing it break to pieces, but yet wanting the hurt of a ripped heart come to an end. So I asked, "Now what, Lord? What can YOU do for us? We are hurting. We need you." I must have screamed the last part in my mind, so great was my anguish.

These problems do not come overnight. They build up in countless moments when spouses disregard each other's interests, ignore each other's efforts, neglect each other's needs and withdraw from each other. As one friend said, "I've never felt so alone in my life than I am now, " and she had just been married  for a year when she said that! When this is true in a marriage, why stay? So many have strayed, so many have left. Why stay?

Why Caleb stayed...

Let me tell you Caleb's story (Numbers 13, 14). He was one of the twelve spies sent by Moses to search out the land of Canaan as instructed by God. When the spies came back, Caleb found himself on the opposite side of popular opinion. He was so unpopular that the people even wanted to get rid of him by stoning him. God intervened and alluded Caleb for standing on the truth-- we, God and us, can! But for the rest of Caleb's people, the Israelites, God didn't allow those in his generation to enter the Promised Land.

Caleb could have gone ahead. But he stayed. He stayed with God and His faulty people. What was his reason to stay? I don't know. All I know is he stayed and allowed God to work for him and in him.

Here's why we, too, can stay.

1. Stay with God. You can run, but there's a better way-- run to Jesus. I was born a rebel at heart. I find it so hard to conform, except to my own yardstick. My poor parents had a hard time bringing me up from the time I was conceived, to the time I was born, to my toddler years and onwards. It was a constant butting of heads over what I wanted and what they thought was right. My parents were good Christians and wanted only the best for me. But I wanted to know for myself what was best for me. And so one day, I came to the decision to do my own thing. I decided to leave without telling them about my decision. I couldn't allow them to dissuade me. Fortunately for me, I decided to become a missionary. And every time I find myself in a desperate situation, gasping for breath, not knowing what to do but wanting so much to simply run, I go to Jesus.

Caleb stayed when he could have left on his own and claim God's promise for His people. But he didn't. He stayed. He knew how imperfect his people were, but he stayed. He stayed knowing God was with Him.

2. Stay true to your calling (as a wife and/or as a mother). The first part of 1 Corinthians chapter 7 talks about marriage, and urges people to stay in their calling: if single, single; if married, to stay married. It is not a commandment, but a strong suggestion to live as we are called. "Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called" (v. 20).

Caleb stayed true to his calling and taught the next generation to live boldly for God, preparing them for the Promised Land. Is it wrong to stay for the sake of the children? Is there a more better alternative than to live with the children you love and the husband/wife you vowed to love? If anything, there is no better way to do life than with them.

Maya Angelou wrote: "If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning Good Morning at total strangers." Give the best of your life to the people within your sphere and in so doing, glorify God.

Caleb helped educate the next generation and got to see them enter the Promised Land. In fact, his son-in-law became the first judge of Israel at the time when they had no human king and God was their king. What a sense of fulfillment Caleb must have felt to see all that happen! He must have been glad he stayed.

3. Stay because God is faithful. Whatever good we do here on earth stems from the Source of all goodness. God alone is good (Mark 10:18). We can stay in our imperfect marriages because God is faithful to His promises to us. In marriage, He is perfecting us. The apostle Paul was so sure of this. "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6)

And whatever bad (mistakes or intentional deeds) we have done in our marriage can be forgiven. God faithfully forgives as we forgive. Move on. Move forward. "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14), Paul said despite going through all kinds of hardships. And we can do that, too, despite marriage being hard- with us being so hard to forgive and so unforgiving. We can with God.

I wrote a song for my husband's and my wedding and I especially love this part--- "This vow I take God is faithful to help me keep, as He keeps us by His side. Until the day we'll be with Him together in the sky." Yes, God is faithful. He will help us keep our promise, just as He wants to keep us by His side.

In the latter part, when Caleb and his people were receiving their inheritance of the Promised Land, he took on the challenge of taking an area called Hebron, which was inhabited by giants. Time and physical changes didn't diminish his trust in God. Marriage, I believe, is bigger than the giants Caleb took on the job of chasing. Let us not allow time, physical and emotional deficiency to erode our trust in God. Don't trust feelings, trust God.

Even if...

In our struggles in our marriage, I know God has a purpose for it all. I'm staying to see what He has up in His sleeve and what would happen. I don't want to wonder with the question 'what if'. In my prayers for my marriage, I want to say 'even if', just as those three Hebrew men told Nebuchadnezzar the king, even with the threat of a fiery death. 

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But (even) if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up” (Daniel 3:16, 17, 18).

I'm staying with God even if I go through the fiery trial of my imperfect marriage. I'm staying for I know Him to be faithful. I will keep on serving Him and the people within my sphere even if He won't save me from my marriage, for I know that He saves me.

Who knows if God is using our marriage as the tool to shape us up into the bride that we will be when we meet Him as our Bridegroom.

As I hope and pray for my friends' marriage, I also hope and pray for God to keep both my husband and I by His side. And if we have been neglectful in building a 'household of faith', now is the time to do so. Not because our tenth anniversary is coming up, but because it's the only house that will withstand the storms in this life. I know it's never too late to build once again this marriage on the sure foundation of Jesus. With faith, I am hoping for my husband and I to keep growing together in love. God with us, we are able. We can stay.

Here are some verses to encourage us to withstand the fiery trials in marriage...

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

What shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31)

So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:6)

Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:12, 13)

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23)

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One Marriage Advice

source

Recently I watched a video of Anita Renfroe, a Christian comedian, on marriage. I try to laugh even once in a day, and that particular day was especially hard for me, hence, the video watching. It was titled Marriage: It's Okay to Laugh About It. She mentioned the movie Avatar and how the blue people in that movie have no word for 'love' in their language but only say "I SEE you" when they meant to say "I love you".

We need connection for our marriages to work--- a connection that 'sees' us not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually, as well. However, many couples think that if they connect really well physically (even if not emotionally) they are going to be okay. But what we miss is that, physical connection often fills the need of the husband, but not the wife. Wives need emotional connection primarily. But even if that need is filled, there is still something lacking in the relationship. Because...

Marriage is spiritual. It is an institution authored by a spiritual being: God. When we commit to it, we are doing something spiritual. The act of signing a marriage contract may be physical as it shows a physical evidence, and the act of going through a wedding ceremony may be emotional, but the exchanging of vows to each other in front of people and before God is spiritual.

God takes swearing an oath or making a vow to Him seriously. It is said in Psalm 15 that only those who swear even to his own hurt and does not change will abide with Him and "dwell in (His) holy hill". And it's only the beginning.

The day-to-day act of marriage is connection between two different people physically, emotionally and spiritually. But in the hustle-bustle of life, that connection gets frayed and lost. Some lost it physically, others, emotionally, and still many more couples lost it spiritually, if they ever had it in the first place.

Here's the problem. We look at our spouses. We see him/her and his/her flaws and imperfections. For most of us, we look superficially. But even if we dig deeper, we see differences that grate on our nerves--- backgrounds, choices, lifestyle, habits, hobbies, etc. and we get all stressed out. We are physical beings. We are also emotional beings. But spiritual beings? We need more than ourselves to look at and see.

We need something bigger for our marriages to work for us. Helen Weaver travelled around the globe, interviewing happy couples. And in her book the Happy Wives Club, she wrote, "Just because you are faithful to church doesn’t guarantee a happy marriage. But I can’t help but see a correlation between all the couples I’ve interviewed. They all have a healthy fear of God. They have a strong belief in a power much greater than their own, and they rely on that power in times of weakness and times of strength."

And so, if there's one marriage advice I would give, it is this: Stop merely looking at each other! Look  to Jesus, and make it a goal to be like Him.

Goal-setting is one key ingredient to a successful marriage. It makes the couple work as a team, opening doors to understanding their partner through their dreams and desires, and keeps them together during challenging times. Goals connect spouses to each other.

Our marriage are only as good as our goals. That's why we have to be careful with symbols. They may lift up your status but not really fill up your marriage. A big house doesn't outright translate into a happy home. Neither is a fancy car nor lots of cash to spend. Though they may fill a need, they can easily distract couples from working on the most important ones.

It is said in 2 Corinthians 4:18, "While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

We need to set goals for a healthy, happy marriage and see if we won't be happy we did. We will not only benefit from it but our children as well. Research has now shown that "the quality of the parents’ relationship with each other can affect (i.e. increase, decrease) an adolescent’s health risk behaviors, and may be more powerful than just marital status".

As the Bible has said, "Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1, 2)

For our marriages to work, we need to have philia love, a love that fills our emotional needs. But we also need eros, one that fills our physical needs. Most of all, we need agape, a love that transcends us, and for each spouse to set a goal to love like Jesus. Because... as I have already said, marriage is spiritual--- a gift from God.

We were created to connect with our Maker and married to connect with each other. And as we got married, let us not forget that, first and foremost, we need to be connected within us by being connected to our Creator. Only by doing so can we truly "see" each other--- seeing beyond the physical.

Maybe then, we will know what it means to say, "I see you!"





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Praying My Marriage to True Love
No Fairy Tale
A Best Friend for Life

Praying My Marriage to True Love

Courtesy of my sister Helen's photography...
and her and my bro-in-law's lovely hands. ;)

My marriage has gone through rocks, ravines and valleys. And back again. I am praying it will survive.

Three years ago we did a major move. That move proved to be a catalyst of many challenges. Oh, how it has shaken our lives, our beliefs, our characters, our faith and our love for each other. It hasn't been easy. If we make it through August, my husband and I would be celebrating a huge landmark in our marriage--- the 10th.

A Best Friend for Life

"His mouth is most sweet; yes, He is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, o daughters of Jerusalem." (Song of Solomon 5:16)

I have had friends. I even had a best friend when I was younger. But as I grew older and as I have to live a life of a wanderer, moving from one place to another, getting education from various institutions, being trained and doing mission in different places, and saying hello and goodbye to friends for most of my life, it got harder for me to develop friendships and get really closer to people.

Then I met someone who didn't give up even though I pushed him away many times. He just wants to get closer. And closer did we get! We got married, and the more years we got in marriage, the more I realize that he loves me and the more I love him.

What's My Name?

I could not imagine how important one's name is. Until now.

We have been working on my visa so I can stay for a longer period of time here in Russia. My kids are young and they need care. It has been difficult with them not having a mom for three months or so. It has been more difficult for my husband having to both work and take care of them, and not having a wife himself. And knowing all these is even a lot more difficult on me, when I know that I am supposed to be doing my role as a wife and mother to my family.

Living a Miracle

"Nothing new here, except my marrying, which to me is a matter of profound wonder." 

~Abraham Lincoln of his marriage to M. Todd, 1842

Marriage is a miracle.What else can you call it when two imperfect people, coming from two different planets (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, remember?), having different preferences, points of view, body parts (ahem), past times, favorites like pizza, pasta, pillow size and softness (okay, enough), come together and become perfect for each other? What else?

It's a miracle when...

Far, Yet So Near

I kissed and hugged my husband goodbye. Most days it was to see him off to work. At other times, it was to wish him a good time fishing or hunting. But we knew this time was different. I would be gone with the girls with no definite plans of coming back. Yes, we were leaving Russia, but we knew we were coming back. When? Nobody knew. (But I'm sure God does.)

I left Russia with a heavy heart, yet hopeful, knowing that I will see my dear husband and son again.

First, Second, Third

It has been awhile. Life has been busy with many things distracting my attention from what really occupies my heart. I had been feeling heavy, and when I do, it is harder to make sense of things and to put them down either on paper or here on my blog. Besides, I don't want to mess up with your own heart, friends, or even with your minds.

So bravely today, I am going to try to sort out with the mess inside and to see what goes and who stays. Just like spring cleaning!

No Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a girl who came from a good family, and though she was beautiful, there seemed to be no prospective husband in sight. Being a good girl, she served her father's household the best she could. Maybe she dreamed, just like any other girl does, of being swept off her feet by a handsome prince and riding off into the sunset with him. (Or maybe not.)

Unknown to her, in a far away town, a rich man's son was of marriageable age but no girl was seen fit from among the land to be his bride.

Real Love

It's that time of the year when cards and gifts with hearts are on display, love songs fill up the air, and lovebirds coo and make googly eyes to each other. It's February when phrases like "love at first sight", "endless love", "soul mates", "fall in love", "crazy in love" are tossed around like confetti in the air. It's that time when romantic emotions run high and fast... but, do they last?