I Feel Like a Cow!

Updated with baby Roxy

Having a baby is one of the most wonderful thing that can happen to a woman. I really love it. I love newborns. 

My baby smelled heavenly of milk and that special baby smell. He looked divine with rolls of fat on his legs and tiny toes on his feet. I just adored my baby.

But after a week of being home with just him and the incessant demands of feeding (I was solely breast feeding), I happened to look at myself in the mirror during one of his naps and… 

I felt what I saw there. I saw a woman wearing a loose, milk-stained shirt with uncombed, clumps of matted dirty hair. She obviously needed a shower. But when can she have it? Anytime now that little adorable baby might wake up and look for his momma. The shower could wait. Then I smelled her. Wow! It was like milk was oozing out of her pores! And I couldn't help but exclaim, "What a cow!" I smelled like a cow, I looked like a cow, and I felt like a cow! 

Moooo! And I chuckled. I laughed at myself. Alone. 

So this is what motherhood is like, I thought.

New mothers often find themselves isolated and overwhelmed by the new role that they have to perform. Hormones are unbalanced and still on the way to physical recovery, they often feel depressed and alone. Husbands may not understand what they are going through and so do friends who wonder why they are not excited with the new baby. On the extreme, they may have post-natal depression and need proper care and counseling. On a normal level, mothers can't help but feel stuck after the constant round of feeding and diaper changing, especially when there is nobody to help with the chores or to alleviate their loneliness. 

I was feeling that way then. And there are times when I still feel stuck with the never-ending grind of taking care of children, house, work and all. How does one get out of these mess? 

But life is messy filled with people whom you trust and doesn't come through, the difficulty of striving for financial security, and of simply making it through one day... 

When do they end? They may take a different form but they sure make me feel like a cow again. Ugly. Messy. Alone. Helpless. Forging to nowhere. Seeming to last forever. Makes me want to run away. Escape.

God, are you there? I often ask.

And I find that He is. Right here. With me. That's why He is called Immanuel. He is with us. (Matthew 1:23). We are not alone.

My 'cow days' are over. I don't feed my babies now every hour. And I sure have thrown away my milk-stained clothes; and look and smell normal for the most part. My 'cow days' were only for a season. They have come and gone. And any situation that has a 'cow face' will do the same. They will come and go, serving their purpose in me (and anybody involved).

So, they may look endless? Menacing? Hopeless? Scaring the wits out of me? Giving me sleepless nights? 

I know sleepless. It started just before I labored for my baby and went through all the nights of caring for him. God has given me the courage to be a mom. And being a mom has given me confidence to face challenges with God, whether they make me feel like a cow or not.

God calls mothers to be courageous. I was a cow-ard before I became a mom--- cow-ering because of the future, cow-ering at responsibilities, afraid of children, afraid of what other people might say, afraid of being a loser, afraid of so many things. But just as in any calling, God has promised His strength and He will carry us to where we should be. He said, "Only be strong and very courageous... that you may prosper wherever you go" (Joshua 1:7). He just wants us to love Him and hold fast to Him (Deutoronomy 11:22).

And so when you find yourself feeling like a cow, stuck in a situation so big that you cannot move, remember to "trust in the Lord with all your heart... Acknowledge Him, and He will direct your goings" (Proverbs 3:5,6). You will find your mind soaring high, your heart singing praises... And a cow can't do that. 

You are not a cow.





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To Drink or Not to Drink

"Sorry, I don't drink." 

I'm not sure how many times I had to say that line in just one evening. It was the night my husband introduced me to his friends. And for the most part, socializing usually involves a little bit of drinking or eating while talking. It would be too awkward when the talking gets a little too slow and one is left with just twiddling thumbs or gulping air.

Far, Yet So Near

I kissed and hugged my husband goodbye. Most days it was to see him off to work. At other times, it was to wish him a good time fishing or hunting. But we knew this time was different. I would be gone with the girls with no definite plans of coming back. Yes, we were leaving Russia, but we knew we were coming back. When? Nobody knew. (But I'm sure God does.)

I left Russia with a heavy heart, yet hopeful, knowing that I will see my dear husband and son again.

Happy Place

A prayer garden in Korea

This is going to be a short post. Yay! I can almost hear you shout.

Where is your happy place? Physically, we get worn out and we often can't wait to get home to find rest. Emotionally, where do you go? Some find comfort in food. (Beware!) Others, in activities. I do, too. But I have found that being in a certain place is a sure way to get me back to my happy. Here they are in any order.

Woods. 

I have to admit that I saw a photograph that a friend shared on Facebook, and 'happy place' came to mind. It was a picture of an unpaved road, with tall trees and green grasses on both sides. Looking at the pic, I could almost hear the silence, with only the sound of my footsteps as I imagined myself walking on that road, crunching the leaves underfoot, with the wind softly blowing on the leaves of the trees and on my face. I could almost smell the fresh, clean air until...

I smelled the neighbor's food cooking, wafting through my window and I was brought to where I really was. Ah, it would always be pure joy to be in that place.

I have walked with my husband in the forest in Russia, when he took me hunting or fishing and I greatly enjoyed it. I love the green all around and the wild flowers growing without care on their own. I love the silence. It soothes the busy clamor deep inside me and echoes the music I want to hear in my heart. I have also enjoyed climbing up hills full of beautiful trees in Korea, where a nondescript prayer garden is hidden. 

Walking is one of my happy activities and so are singing and thinking-praying. I can do all that in the woods. I could belt out my favorite hymns while walking without fear of getting embarrassed. You should've heard me. I give my best concerts in such occasions. Praying-thinking or talking with God while walking is best done in the woods. I talk, even out loud (well, nobody is there to hear except God), while examining the intricate design of a leaf or flower that our Creator has made, or while I gaze with amusement at the cheerful antics of little robins. I tell God of my joys or the burden that is making my heart heavy and I hear Him whisper words of love and comfort. Peace rolls over me and I leave the woods happy, knowing that I had just been in the presence of God.

Bookstore/Library. 

I used to frequent libraries, but after having my kids, it has been impossible to visit one since I cannot go there with them. There is an image in my mind of them turning the place upside-down and inside-out. They can't get their hands off books and I'm so sure that they'd pull them down, everyone of them,  to the floor. My fears may be unfounded as we had been to the library once. And it went pretty well. Maybe I should take them there more often.

Well, instead of libraries, we have been going to bookstores. And that has been the hanging out place of the girls and me. It is actually a very 'clever' way of doing one of the things that I love--- rubbing elbows with friends (read: browsing books... What a nerd!) and reading. I say 'clever' because the kids can have their own children's books to read, while I have my own choice of books. I don't have to sit down with them and read the same book over and over and over again, until I get all nauseated. The repetitive act is like getting carsick, and at times I can't help but ask, "Are we there yet?"

So I have my books and the girls have theirs, and it's bliss time. Until it's time to say goodbye. And we sadly say goodbye to 'friends'. Some, we won't meet anymore; some, we get to see again. (Haha...)

Bath/shower room.

This is where stress, milk residue and food bits get washed away. However, I can't be in that happy place for long before a knock comes on, and some little one asks: "Ma, what are you doing in there?" Then, another knock, and another, and another. What do they think I am doing there? If I'm lucky, I get a peep and a  surprised, "You're using my bath wash!" 

Sometimes, it's the only place where I can find a little quiet time to talk with God without waking anybody up early in the morning or in the middle of the day where kids are running the place.

Garden.

I get my hands dirty here as my back is warmed with sunshine, my brow sweaty, and my heart happy. So therapeutic! The smell and feel of soil on my fingers is enough to remind me I am loved by a Creator who takes time to shape and give me form. And even as I work, He works in my heart.

Etc.

There are also the little spaces where I sit to write or read the Bible which, by the way, is anywhere as long as I can have a few minutes. And the room where I iron gives me lots of time to reflect and enjoy solitude and fresh, clean laundry.

I have found that my happy place is not actually contained in just one place but in a variety of places where my heart have found repetitive joy. My heart chart shows that when I intentionally seek God, there I come out happy. And we humans are beings of habit. Whatever gives us delight, we seek.

So, what's your happy place? For moms, I encourage you to find your happy place and return to it again and again and again, especially when days are long, noisy, chaotic, messy and just plain crazy. Find the time. For yourself and for your loved ones. You will find that by having your happy place, you are teaching your children to nurture their happy spirits. You are teaching your husband to value you as a person and your happiness. Because once mom is happy, the whole family is happy. Take the time, find your happy place.

And may your delight is found in God. He promised, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). You'll see it's true:"Happy are the people whose God is the Lord" (Psalm 144:15).

Imitators

It's fun watching little Ella follow everything that her big cousin is doing. Like, he would say, "Alright, alright! I will eat my vegetables!" while throwing up his hands in the air. She would copy it right to the throwing of hands while saying, "Awight, awight! E-eat wewewol!" We laugh. He would do and say something else, and she would do and say it in her own cute way. And we laugh harder.

Children are great imitators.They are good in copying almost anything that adults do. You should see the girls wearing my shoes, my lipstick, writing on my precious notebooks, singing like crazy, and preaching at me.

Eyes to Behold

Me and my taped glasses...

I am currently looking more like an absent-minded professor, not because my hair is all over the place (which is quite normal when one seldom uses the comb or hair brush, like I do), but because I am sporting a pair of glasses that's obviously taped on one side of the handles. Yeah, with one of the handles broken, the glasses might as well be broken as I will still have to get a new pair for replacement.

However, husband said that I will have to wait for when I get back to Russia to get new glasses as he wants to be around when I am choosing the new ones. He doesn't like the pair that I am wearing now and he cannot trust my judgment for the reason that I don't have style. He wants to make sure that I don't go overboard with my 'unusual' style and embarrass him by walking around with a star-shaped, glitterati pair.

I admit I could at most times be eccentric, but it is mostly on my line of thinking and philosophy, and not much on style. Currently, I have the leopard-framed, oversized glasses. I don't know what it says about me, but I like them as they are flexible, light and, well, unusual. My husband though has a different idea. For him, with the glasses I am wearing now, I might as well be wearing a pair of binoculars for all the style that I am exhibiting!