When You're About to Give Up

Blow after blow. Life delivers accurately like a boxer's punches hitting you where it hurts the most. What do you do? Buckle down? Throw up your hands and run? Or hide? Or say, "Where is God?" Doubting Him as if He hasn't cared enough, loved enough or given enough proof that He does?

Sounds like Job's wife.

There was a great man named Job, God-fearing and blameless, who had everything--- a beautiful family and great possessions--- all that any man could dream of during his time. Then out of nowhere (for Job), catastrophe after catastrophe fell and he lost his children and all his possessions. Next, he got boils, painful to the core and occupying freely his skin from head to soles. That's when his wife spoke up: “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).

It's so easy to turn into Job's wife, when the loving and responsible man you envisioned your husband to be morphs into less than what he seems, when the family you've wanted become a constant reminder of your weaknesses, when you're fighting the strong current of recession or onslaught of disease, or when you're simply trying to keep your head above a business fast sinking or stress at school or work.

Recently I had a similar sentiment as Job's wife, even as I felt like I couldn't recover from another blow. But I heard Job reprimanding me, "Don't be foolish!" And I realized the blow was more on my pride than what I thought was my faith. Oh, I, of little faith!

And for days, I was a wimp. I wasn't strong, even as Christian friends encouraged me. I wasn't brave, nor happy, or hopeful. I was disappointed, frustrated and full of regrets--- if only...

Until a memory in Facebook reminded me of what I had written two years ago, when I was away from my husband and children, and all my longing was centered on being back with them. Ironically, now that I'd gotten what I wanted, I realized that it was really not what I wanted. I want a Christian home. Year after year, night and day, I struggled to keep my family together in walking with the Lord. And there were plenty of times I felt alone.

So there I was, wanting my something but the nothing was not an option. I have to settle for what I have and what I have is imperfect.

I didn't like that. As the days passed and I wallow in pity, having a party no one else can join, and mad at God, Job spoke to me... and a cup, too.

Job's voice in my thoughts as he reprimanded his wife:

“You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. 

Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10).

 Right after, I heard him worship God, 

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

And naked shall I return there.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;

Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

(Job 1:21)

I felt foolish. 

When Jesus bore that cross on His shoulders, no sound of whining escaped His mouth. After all, that cross was supposed to be mine. When He hanged there with a broken heart, He did so without regret, because He loves me. How can I ever doubt that He cares? 

I thought marriage had made me better. And motherhood. And all those books and courses. And sermons and Bible studies. And life lessons and experiences. And people I've met and know. But I failed. And in failing, I blamed God for not changing my circumstances and the people around me. After all these years.

God though is merciful. I didn't get what I deserve--- a spank on the bottom. Instead, I got a picture of a cup, imperfect but beautiful with its rough edges.

One imperfect cup as made by a famous ceramic artist, told me there's beauty in imperfection. Ah, yes, and in authenticity. I know my reaction to my situation was totally uncalled for for a Christian and that was why I felt disappointed. In myself. I thought I knew better. I thought I was on my way, as I long for, to becoming a better person, one with God's Kingdom in her. But, no, I still run out of faith.

And there I was, with faith dead as the ashes. And with anything dead, only God can bring back to life. So even as faith died, God was there.

Remember Elijah? He felt alone, praying himself dead and hid himself in a cave (1 King 19:9,10). But even with His lack of faith, God was there.

David, despite committing a great sin, knew this for sure. "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?" (Psalm 118:6).

In all our struggles, God is with us. We are never alone, even when we feel that we are.

And all those rough spots in our character and life? All those out of our control? Ah, the Lord is still in control, especially, with all those that are out of our control. He is still God. He makes our rough edges beautiful--- stripping us of the cover-ups and masks that we put on to hide our real selves and our self-sufficiency. We may appear imperfect, but in His hands we are beautiful, fitted to reveal His glory. Because, yes, we were made for His glory and His alone.

So tonight, I want to worship with Job: The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord!





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Today: On the Lord's Highway

Three days of sunshine! Yes, we got three days of sunshine and it was wonderful. But today, we have rain. Beautiful rain, creating diamonds on trees and making everything sparkle, like eyes full of anticipation, for the sun that will come again.

And there's more to anticipate and get excited about--- Jesus is coming soon!

The voice of one crying in the wilderness:
“Prepare the way of the Lord;
Make straight in the desert
A highway for our God." (Isaiah 40:3)

We are to prepare for His coming... His highway.

But we know how easy it is to relegate that fact at the back of our minds as we day in and day out trudge through what is before us. And it is so easy to forget it, unless we invite Him into our lives, day by day by day. For, yes, that's how He come to us even as we prepare for His coming.

Before Jesus left, He promised His disciples:

“If you love me, keep my commandments.
I will pray to the Father, and he will give you another Counselor,
that he may be with you forever—
the Spirit of truth, whom the world can’t receive;
for it doesn’t see him, neither knows him.
You know him, for he lives with you, and will be in you.
I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you.
Yet a little while, and the world will see me no more;
but you will see me. Because I live, you will live also.” (John 14:15-19)

Almost four years ago, I lost my parents in a storm. They were godly people. What I missed most was their presence and guidance. We know that even how old we get, we still need our parents, for the most part, because they are the only ones who can love us unconditionally here in this earth. So I despaired: who can I go now to ask for help, for advice or when I have a problem? But when I read the Bible and saw the word "orphan" (because that is what I am now), I was comforted at how God loves orphans.

Jesus is saying to us, "I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you." And He does. Day by day, He comes to us in the form of the Holy Spirit.

However, He needs our invitation.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. (Revelation 3:20)

He wants to dine with us, to talk with us, to share and do life with us. But by our invitation. Today.

Maybe you invited Him yesterday, or last week, or last month. However, that won't do.

When I was Korea, I always look forward to visits in a Korean restaurant to get some hanjeonshik. Variety of Korean dishes are spread out on a low table, and when I see the amount of food, I would often think that I wouldn't be able to eat them, only to find out that I'd want more. Going out, I'd feel so full that I would think I won't need to eat for even a week, but a few a hours later, I'd realize that I still need to eat even after all that food.

What I ate yesterday cannot sustain me through tomorrow. So I ate today. But it won't be long before I will eat again. However, there's a more important sustenance that we need today--- God's presence through the Holy Spirit.

Before Jesus started His public ministry, He went to fast for forty days and forty nights to fully depend on divine power, being unconfident of His humanity. Only by the Spirit of God was He able to get through that long period of time without food. And even after Satan's temptation, and being weak physically, He was able to resist by reciting God's Word and saying, "It is written..."

By this, Jesus shows that our battle against our weak self and the temptations surrounding us can only be won by depending on God alone, not even the bread that we eat daily can get us through. He said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4).

By His Word, we live. By His Spirit, we move and have our being. By His presence, we have fullness of joy that will get us, as William Miller said, setting a new date of our Lord's coming, "today, TODAY and TODAY... until He comes, and I see Him for whom my soul yearns" (quoted in F.D. Nichol, The Midnight Cry, 267)

Today, we do not have to live like orphans. Jesus comes. Invite Him today.






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Russian meadows. Wide, open spaces to fly, to roam...

Raining again! Not much, but consistent. The whole day had been misty, though surprisingly, not dreary. There's something refreshing about rain after a couple of days of pure sunshine and clear, cloudless skies. In fact, it's balmy and soothing. It calms my spirit, inviting me to sit down from all the constant activity and whirling. I feel so relaxed, but not sleepy. Just that--- happy-calm.

Two days ago on June 12th, this is what I wrote...

The skies have cleared up! It is all clean and blue with no cloud in sight. Bright and warm and summery. I can see beach in my mind, complete with a beach umbrella as I stay in one place helping the kids take off one set of clothes into another, and wet clothes into dry ones, and then, again... and again. I can see melting ice cream in kids' hands... and smell salty air and the feel of grainy sand under my bottom. I can hear the kids' shrieks as the waves take up on their challenge to get them wet. This makes me smile.

This is such good news after a wearisome series of rain, when we had to stay home and huddle against the harsh and unrelenting wind.

So right away, we made the most of the day by going out and celebrate with the people of Russia for Russia Day. There was a military band performing, which we missed. But we had fun with what they left behind--- military stuff. We also looked at antique cars--- so stylish that I wish I know how to drive. In another part of the city, there were fire trucks and other utility trucks lined up for people to enjoy and kids to clamber around. I felt the pride and joy of the Russian people--- the freedom that I know was not given to them for free but were protected by the very lives of their forefathers, and the efforts that the people of this age are doing to make everyone's lives better.

And as I look on and celebrate, down in my heart I celebrate as a Filipino, as my country, despite of evil men who are trying to destroy it, see another day to celebrate Philippine Independence Day with freedom, and pride at the courage given and displayed through the lives of men and women who love the country--- then and now. There is nothing more I wish for my beloved Philippines but true independence and freedom to live their God-given lives. 

In fact, this is what I wish for everyone living in this planet Earth.

But as most of us know, freedom comes with a price and a responsibility. And there is nothing truer to this than when Jesus gave up His life to set us free from a life of sin and eventual death. He paid the price for our freedom. And for this, we have a responsibility to stay free. And He alone can do this for us when we give our lives back to Him. "Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed." (John 8:36).

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; 

therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

(Galatians 5:1)

* * * * *

Let me type again normally... I have left off on my last blogpost on the subject of parents losing their cool during moments of conflict and have even thought up some measures against totally blowing off. 

But what if we've blown it? Is there anything we can do? Because I sometimes do, try as I might, like the last scene with my daughter, Angelika. 

In moments like these, a mother can...

1. Forgive. Extend grace to the kids and to yourself. Oftentimes, it's harder for me to forgive myself. That's why a mother should stop beating herself up (mentally) and instead pray to redeem the lost moment. Repent. There's no forgiveness when there's no repentance. Then move on to asking God to help you on how to redeem the moment. In Scripture, all correction is redemptive by design--- whether to correct the child or the parent. Nothing is lost on God.

2. Say "Sorry" (and mean it!). Growing up, I've never heard my father apologize to us, his children. And I understand. Because in my parents' time, apologizing was thought up as a way of buckling down under your children and was seen as a quick way to lose their respect. However, being honest to our children shows them that we, parents, are humans and are flawed. Just like them, we make mistakes. In apologizing, we model how we, as humans, may fall several times, but by God's grace can rise up again.

So say it. Ask your kids for forgiveness. Take responsibility for your behavior, that they may also learn to take responsibility with theirs.

3. Tell and Show them you love them. After a tough moment of conflict, a child is emotionally beaten up and scarred. Start the healing right away with words that will remind your child of your love--- unconditionally. This will affirm her worth, because for a child, what matters most is what you think of her. Show affection. Hug. Physical touch zaps our brain into a loving mood, which is necessary after moments of anger.

4. Pray together.  Even when I'm still blowing steam and I can't seem to stop, even as the Holy Spirit is prompting me to, I usually would gather my child or kids together in a hug to pray my emotions out with me. They, in turn, would pray and see God's redeeming way.

In her book Child Guidance, Ellen White talked about the importance of prayer in a moment of crisis, "Reveal the love you have for your erring one. As you bow before God with your child, you will present before the sympathizing Redeemer His own words, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not; for of such is the kingdom of God.” (Mark 10:14). That prayer will bring angels to your side. Your child will not forget these experiences, and the blessing of God will rest upon such instruction, leading him to Christ. When children realize that their parents are trying to help them, they will bend their energies in the right direction" (CG, 253).

* * * * *

We are free. We are redeemed. There is no better way to be than to live this powerful truth as God's children and as parents to His little ones.

Alas! We live in an imperfect and sinful body. However, God has provided a way out through His Son. Let's take hold of His hand to give us strength over our weak selves and give us patience. Those who depend on Him  will "go from strength to strength" (Psalm 84:7).  

"Let (all) be taught that every mistake, every fault, every difficulty, conquered, becomes a steppingstone to better and higher things. It is through such experiences that all who have ever made life worth the living have achieved success" (E. White, Education, 295, 296).

And yes, only through Him. It won't be long when we get to sing "Worthy is the Lamb!", to the One who conquers for us.

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Makeover

God is Not Done Yet

The birthday month is about to end. Another new month is raring to start. And yes, the snow is gone, the weeds have come. (I spent a whole day pulling weeds last Sunday that my hand hurts.)

I have reached a milestone in life. I'm 40. But at 40, I don't feel like I have arrived. Not yet. Actually, it feels more like I'm just beginning. Like, I am learning to softly close doors and walk in to where I'm finally feeling more at home. Things like I want to do and I want to be.

But I have a problem--- I can go on and on. I have a hard time finishing up what I have started.

I have been starting posts but unable to finish them, just as I have done with many writing projects. Now I wonder when I will get to be done with them... and get them posted/published.

But here's what I am certain.

He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.

(Philippians 1:6)

I could end this post right now with an "Amen!", but that would be premature.

And so, even as I'm typing here, God is working. Hence, the mess as the renovation, uh, reformation is going on.

And as many ladies are familiar with, having a makeover done halfway is not the way to do the job. Just imagine, ladies, going home with only one side of your head sporting bouncy curls while the other side is limp as spaghetti. Or your barber, gentlemen, decided to quit at what he's been doing after he has shaved the hair behind your right ear and you went home with a totally unexpected look that even the dogs were barking at you on your way home. You don't want that.

I don't want it either. I don't want to be half-done. Because being half-done is not being done at all. So here I am at my big four-oh raring for what He has in store. And here's what I'm expecting... (and which, I am fervently praying I am on-the-process-of-getting now.)

Total Makeover!!!

1. ...of my selfish heart.

As someone has said, "Helping others is your best shot at scoring in the game of life." Service may not be so attractive to our world conditioned to seek what is comfortable and easy, but for those who seek to live the life God wants them--- growing and fruitful--- it is the only way to go. Jesus said, "If you give up your life for me, you will find true life." (Matthew 16:25).

But I have a selfish heart, carnal and egotistical. Only God can change it, only He can shape it after His own.

 All that He needs from me is to give my whole heart to Him and leave it there.

An inspired author wrote: "It is impossible for us, of ourselves, to escape from the pit of sin in which we are sunken. Our hearts are evil, and we cannot change them. "Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? not one." "The carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be." (Job 14:4; Romans 8:7). Education, culture, the exercise of the will, human effort, all have their proper sphere, but here they are powerless. They may produce an outward correctness of behavior, but they cannot change the heart; they cannot purify the springs of life. There must be a power working from within, a new life from above, before men can be changed from sin to holiness. That power is Christ. His grace alone can quicken the lifeless faculties of the soul, and attract it to God, to holiness" (White, E., Steps to Christ, 18).

2. ...of my relationships, starting with Him.

Oh, how we long to have wonderful relationships, without the tension and conflicts that often times come with it. But living in a world racked with sin and a body genetically modified with it, our relationships go, if not bad, then worst. And if we are in loving relationships, we are one of the fortunate ones... or simply, we have learned what it means to forgive.

Yes, forgiveness. We have to offer it everyday, just as we receive it daily. Jesus taught us to pray: "Forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us." (Matthew 6:12). 

The first step to having a right relationship with God and man is forgiveness. "How shall a man be just with God? How shall the sinner be made righteous? It is only through Christ that we can be brought into harmony with God, with holiness; but how are we to come to Christ? Many are asking the same question as did the multitude on the Day of Pentecost, when, convicted of sin, they cried out, "What shall we do?" The first word of Peter's answer was, "Repent." (Acts 2:37, 38). At another time, shortly after, he said, "Repent, . . . and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out"
(Acts 3:19), (STC, 23)

But we wait too long. We wait for the right moment. We wait until we are good.

Come as you are. If you have wronged someone, don't ever think you can get away without making an apology. "If you see your sinfulness, do not wait to make yourself better. How many there are who think they are not good enough to come to Christ. Do you expect to become better through your own efforts? "Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil." (Jeremiah 13:23). There is help for us only in God. We must not wait for stronger persuasions, for better opportunities, or for holier tempers. We can do nothing of ourselves. We must come to Christ just as we are" (E. White, STC, 31).

And as He changes me, so does He change my relationships as I bring them to Him, whether my relationship with my husband, or my son, or my boss, or my students. Even with my MIL, with whom I thought I was making progress with by ignoring each other, then suddenly she wakes up or comes home and wants a fight... even that.

No, change doesn't start with us, it starts with the realization that we need something bigger than us, Someone who has the power to transform us.

If you are going through some rough, tumbly times that you just can't handle and makes you wonder that maybe, maybe you don't deserve a peaceful, harmonious life, DON"T MAKE IT AN EXCUSE to run away from God and into the arms of something that you may be sorry later. Run to Him. Plead with Him all the more. Imitate the persistence of that gentile woman, who sought healing for her demon-possessed daughter, and who kept pleading with Jesus even after He had to turn her away. She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs eat the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table” (Matthew 15:27). And the Savior was amazed. He said, “O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour (v. 28).

Yes, come to Him and bring whatever it is that stops you from giving your heart to Him. He knows what to do with the demons inside us--- the addictions, the tendency to get distracted and wander, the troubles, the anxieties that beset us, and the storms. Yes, the storms that either will break us or cause us to cling desperately and faithfully to the Rock. Bring all to Him. He is not interested in our strength, but in our dependence on Him. He is our refuge and help.

God is our refuge and strength, 

A very present help in trouble. 

(Psalm 46:1)

And as I move on to the new season of my life, I invite you to journey on with me, as I hold on to His promise that He'll soften the rough edges in me, bring out the best of what He has given me, take out the dross, wash me, cleanse me, complete me. Only He can do that.

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,

And to present you faultless

Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,

To God our Savior,

Who alone is wise,

Be glory and majesty,

Dominion and power,

Both now and forever.

Amen.

(Jude 1:24, 25)

References:

White, E. G. (1892). Steps to Christ (STC). Mountain View, CA: Pacific Press Publishing Association

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Misha is all for fun.

Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.

Proverbs 20:11

A few days ago, I could almost smell summer in the air: bright sunshine, sweat, bicycle oil. Then two nights ago a snowstorm came bringing with it loads and loads of snow... and beautiful snowflakes spiraling in the air in the morning. And no electricity.

As school was cancelled, I was left with four kids without the help of modern devices. What to do?
I watched.

I watched the snowflakes. Beautiful, intricate in all it's design, then read about it. Fascinating.

I watched the kids in each of their own beautiful personalities trying to combat boredom in their own special way (as God has made them). Then blog about it. Extremely fascinating.

I looked like I was reading, but with all the activity going on, how can one even concentrate? This momma is on to another study, one that has begun since I had child #1. My lab goes like this...

Grace

Spring by Russian artist Stanislav Zhukovsky

I came in peace, I sowed discord.
I sought to belong, I got rejection.
I wanted love, I found animosity.
I long for family, I made an enemy.

Through it all, God answered my needs.
Grace for all my frustrations, my emotions,
Grace for depression, for desperation,
Grace for arid valleys and destructive storms,
Sufficient grace even before I call.

In my struggles and restlessness,
He brought quiet rest.
I wrestle for rights, for supremacy,
I see His full glory in humility.

So I bowed as He took on Himself my faults.
Grace for all my weaknesses, my peccadilloes.
Grace for my inability, my futility,
Grace for fruitless years and empty life,
Abundant grace for a sinner such as me.

In victory I stand as I embrace His promises.
I conquer on my knees in Jesus' blessed name.
I overcome as He holds me--- Jesus, hold me.
I give grace, for Your grace is enough for me.

Copyright © 2017 zernahfaith

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,

 for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 

Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, 

that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

*The verses above came about as I reflected on Abigail's life and example, and of course, I couldn't help but look on my own life and reactions. You may read Abigail's story on 1 Samuel 25. She is one amazing woman who, instead of focusing on injustice and rejection, chose to live in grace and give grace. She didn't dwell on her arid valleys but instead stored up in abundance kindness and generosity. When her moment came, the one where only she could avert disaster and use the gifts God had given her, she was more than ready. She rose up to the occasion.

I more than know that we often have our "arid valleys" and "destructive storms", whether brought on by circumstances or our own sinful tendencies, they cause us to cry out against God or to God. Whatever you choose to do, God's grace is abundantly made available for you. It is there to meet our every need. It is there to fill up our nothingness. It is there to grasp and hold on--- sufficient to the day, hour, minute, and moment of trial and weakness. Let Him hold you. His grace is enough.





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Warm Thoughts On a Frosty Night

Our yule tree is still up but there are more pine needles and christmas balls on the floor than there are on the tree. Little Roxy has been busy shaking the tree and "trading" balls around with her older sisters. She thinks they should be carried around hanging from the fingers, like a vendor would when selling ready-to-eat rice wrapped in niyog (coconut) leaves. These vendors are usually found in the Philippines in places where people are on the move, usually get hungry and  have no time to spare for cooking, like bus terminals or stopovers.

There's a snowstorm brewing right now. Our second to be blessed with for this winter. Snow has been scarce and so it's welcome. The brick fence with all the snow that settled on it looks so dreamy. Every time I see fresh snow, this comes to mind:

“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. (Isaiah 1:18)

The scene outside is like that of angels plucking feathers from each others' wings and flinging them all around in happy abandon. Maybe they're having a pillow fight with the pillows of clouds bursting white snow. So much activity going on outside, pretty much unlike the scene inside, well, without the children. In a weather like this, I don't need much, just some hot tea, a heated floor, family around, a book, my notebook and pen, and a warm blankie. And yes, my necessary zumba on some mornings to get the stiff out of my creaky bones.

Keeper of Hearts

The sudden onslaught of emotions knocked me off the pedestal,
Where I've painstakingly enthroned myself.
Unguarded, I came undone.
Powerless, I realize how puny I am.
I am no less capable of guarding this heart than I was when I gave that first cry.

A heart compelled to lie, to doubt, to fear
Is the only gift I can offer.
Lord, keep this heart, it is Yours
As you've tenderly cared for it from wars,
Fighting for my cause, You bear the scars.

Teach my heart to be still, to trust, to let go and just be held.
With only You enthroned and none else.
No hate, no fear, no sinful disease.
Let it overflow with love and joy,
A faith so strong that hope abounds. Keep it, guard it, oh, Keeper of Hearts.

From Drug Hell Into God's Hands (Part 2)

Good day!

God has "called [us] out of darkness into His marvelous light" (1 Peter 2:9) that we may be "children of light" (Eph. 5:8).

Today, I am certain that you will all be blessed with our guest post today. It is an incredible story of God's love and His mighty power working to save us. When I first read this (for editing), I cried a million tears as I personally know Tudor. But I never thought he went through this as he was growing up. He admits he made bad choices--- really bad choices--- that set him out on a life of drug hell. Now, I am praising God with him for what He did, showing us that He is able to save. Oh, how He loves each of us so much. And He aches to bring us home with Him, despite of our brokenness. For He alone can forgive sins and can heal broken lives. I'm not going to say more. Let Tudor tell you of what God did.

By the way, this is the second part. If you haven't read the first part, please click over here From Drug Hell into God's Hands (Part 1). Be blessed!

From Drug Hell Into God's Hands (Part 1)

Good day!

God has "called [us] out of darkness into His marvelous light" (1 Peter 2:9) that we may be "children of light" (Eph. 5:8).

Today, I am certain that you will all be blessed with our guest post today. It is an incredible story of God's love and His mighty power working to save us. When I first read this (for editing), I cried a million tears as I personally know Tudor. But I never thought he went through this as he was growing up. He admits he made bad choices--- really bad choices--- that set him out on a life of drug hell. Now, I am praising God with him for what He did, showing us that He is able to save. Oh, how He loves each of us so much. And He aches to bring us home with Him, despite of our brokenness. For He alone can forgive sins and can heal broken lives. I'm not going to say more. Let Tudor tell you of what God did.

By the way, this post comes in two parts, so don't forget to come back to find out what happened next. Be blessed!

How It All Started

I never had an alcoholic drink until I got to highschool. And that, is a big deal as I come not only from a Christian home but one that advocates a healthy lifestyle. Not only that, I was also educated at a Christian school. My friends, however, persuaded me to drink alcohol with them. I said to myself at that time that that would be the first and last time I would drink, with only two or three glasses. But it didn’t happen that way.

A week later, my friends invited me to go out drinking with them again, but I told them that I wouldn’t be drinking. I don’t know if they believed me, but it didn’t matter because I found myself drinking for the second time. I once again resolved not to do it any more. But the following week was the same story--- my friends invited and I got drunk.

Am I On The Right Road?

It has been raining for several days. The skies are overcast with dark clouds, the atmosphere is dripping with rain and seldom does the sun take a peep just to say hello. When it does, it disappears so quickly that I had a feeling it has gone shy or is trying to be mysterious by hiding behind the curtains of the rain.

I cannot imagine being out there in that rain for a long period, drenched and in need of a good wring. But I do have an idea.

When I was in Seoul, Korea, I went out with a small group of young people from our church consisted of men, with the exception of myself, to climb Mt. Seorak. Seoraksan, as it is called, is the third highest mountain in Korea. The ladies decided not to go as they had seen that the weather was raining and predicted that it won't be worth the effort to go up. But I thought that I won't be in Korea forever and that may be my only chance to explore a new place and do something interesting--- climb Korea's most beautiful mountain. My companions were worried for me but I assured them that if I get too much of a burden, then they just have to leave me. For which, they shook their heads vigorously. Being a foreigner, my life was in their hands.

Name Game

Angelika's artwork of the backyard and the flowers.

It's early summer and beautiful meadows are everywhere with their flowers of golden yellow and blues. Even the backyard looks fantastic with these tiny flowers and when it's time to mow the lawn, it's hard to see them go. I don't even know the names of these flowers, only that they look so charming.

Well, I can't put a name on myself, either. Okay, literally, people are confused on how to call me. (Come on people, we've been on this before! See post What's My Name?) Recently, I have been called Risa, which is rice in Russian, because my name here is pronounced Z-ur-na. It is similar in sound to some kind of grain. Then there's Jorna. Never mind where that comes from.

Figuratively, however, it has only been a few years since I have come to put a name on myself. But here goes the online tests which claim that they know me just by my name or my picture. (I know almost all, if not all, know what I'm talking about here. You can't resist those online tests too! Admit it...) I had pretty amusing moments laughing at the results. Some are quite accurate, others are barely there, still others are just pure flattery or feel-good statements or downright baloney.

One of the results told me : Zernah, You are brilliant and stubborn! Another one said that I am... Brave. Fearless. Never gives up. And the word that describes me perfectly is Beautiful. Then, another said that I am Benevolent. (I wasn't certain what it means, so I googled up the word.) Here's another one, but not just one word. With a name like yours, you were meant to travel to the beat of your own drum! You have always been the type of person who likes to approach the world differently. Sometimes, it might get you into trouble, but you are always able to stay positive no matter the situation. You were born with a unique gift to share with the world and you are a bright star that will bring joy and happiness to those that surround you! Never lose sight of how special you are!

Woah! The words sound pretty good, right? (I intentionally made them bold, colorful and large so you'll color with envy or cringe in embarrassment, or roll around with hilarity, or throw up in disgust. Ha! That's a multiple choice... statement.) But how about the days when I'm not brave or beautiful or benevolent? Or when all I want is to fit in and keep any attention away from me? Does that make me less of me?

I have been called other names, too, ones that are not so wonderful, while others are downright degrading. There's 'crazy', 'stupid' and 'ugly'-- I have heard in a few different languages. Ah, even looking at these words take me down the twisted road. They are childish and often uttered with a purpose to hurt and break someone down. Let's back up.

When I mentioned above that it has only been a few years since I've come to know who I really am, I am not exaggerating. It's a hard job. Some people have left home and loved ones just to sort of "find themselves". But I didn't have to do that. Instead, God put a desire in me to know Him more and to grow in Him. He placed me in different circumstances and places--- and the result is a journey of adventure to His heart. I wouldn't exchange it for anything (even if I do whine or throw tantrums whenever things go out of hand-- my hand).

In knowing God, I began to know myself, who I really am, and what I am going to be. I know exactly where I fit in. I Have been created to do so even before the world began. I just love what the Bible says, not only about me, but all of us. (Tip: Please read the verses below slowly. Relish every word.)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 

just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, 

that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, 

having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, 

according to the good pleasure of His will, 

to the praise of the glory of His grace, 

by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, 

the forgiveness of sins, 

according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us 

in all wisdom and prudence, 

having made known to us the mystery of His will, 

according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, 

that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times 

He might gather together in one all things in Christ, 

both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. 

In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, 

being predestined according to the purpose of Him 

who works all things according to the counsel of His will, 

that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory. 

(Ephesians 1:3-12)

I was made for His praise and be with Him.

We have myopic eyes. But it's not a surprise, considering what we often see and hear, or what we choose to watch and listen to. Often we are told that we are not good enough--- there's someone out there more beautiful with plumped up lips, sultry eyes and thinner than knife body. Or we are not smart enough, or more professional, or creative, or more put-together. So we strive and we lose ourselves, the one God has made. And since there's something missing in us, we struggle to fill it with something that gives us significance, be it possessions, profession, prestige, places (travel) or even the good things--- people (husband, family, friends, etc.). Oh, the many ways we lose ourselves!

But there is only one way to find ourselves again--- only in Him, who made us and loves us and wants to be with us. If you are in doubt, read the verses again above. (This time slower.)

In Him, I found who I am through His eyes.
I am...
His friend (John 15:14).
An heir (Galatians 4:7).
His letter (2 Corinthians 3:3).
His temple (1 Corinthians 6:19).
His servant (Acts 16:17).
Strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).
His chosen (1 Peter 2:9).
Called (Romans 1:6).
His beloved (Romans 1:7).
His child (John 1:12).
And you are too, when you give your life to Him, just as He has given His life to you.

Many people have asked me what my name means. I really don't know. It's a name given out of love. My parents decided to give both of their names to me by combining the last letters of their names: Eliezer and Myrna equals Zernah. (Isn't that sweet?) So while other children grew up with their names and their meanings, I grew up with my parents'. And with their lives. I appreciate what they had given me--- a good name.

Like the flowers, with their scientific-and-exotic-Latin-sounding names, out there glowing, I'll glow with God's light with a good name, even on days when I don't feel benevolent, beautiful, or brave. Because He takes care of it. It's His thing. A favorite quote keeps me in line whenever I forget...

"(God) has surrounded you with beauty to teach you that you are not placed on earth merely to delve for self, to dig and build, to toil and spin, but to make life bright and joyous and beautiful with the love of Christ---like the flowers, to gladden other lives by the ministry of love." (E.G. White, TMB)

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Seize the Day

Spring Herald

The Beauty in Everyday

Embracing God's Promises

The lilac trees are teeming with the fragrant blooms. (I still have to get a photo of them.) Weeds are growing profusely together with the fair wild flowers. And there's no stopping them. I have spent mornings trying to stop their progress from surrounding the house and making it a den of crawly bugs, and that thought has helped me get the kids to help me out on this mission. They hate the idea of the creepies invading their rooms.

Once, these flowers and all the verdant trees were just promises of a brighter, more colorful season. Now, they are here for my eyes to feast on and my soul to rejoice in God's steadfast creative work in our yet sin-filled world, but which reveals His kingdom to those who have the eyes to see and the 'ears to hear'.

Falling Snow: A Poem about Coming Back to Life

My family and I live in Russia where there is no shortage of snow. Today, I am especially filled with delight as my world was filled with the wonder of it (and yes, as my work was cancelled for the afternoon).

You may have noticed my listless writing for the past months, though, try as I might to move past it. I was "out of synch" with life. I'm not going to apologize for it. As I live, so do I write. And as I write, so does my life come alive before my eyes. Yes, many times these are not comfortable feelings but they are emotional facts that needs some breathing space, just like a roomful of toxic smoke that needs to be aired.

Thankfully, slowly, I am once again seeing the broader canvas of my life, and not just the dark, gloomy alleys of it. Thank God, He is merciful! He is rich in goodness and love.

A few days ago, I got myself a cut on one of my hands. The sudden pain and seeing the blood bolted me into the reality that I am still alive. And that I should, MUST, be grateful for this life. As I clear away the shards that cut me, I am struck by the realization that so must I clear away the breakage in my life before I can go forward again. I have to distance myself from what is hurting me, before coming back into whole again.

"Let There Be Light!"

source

Only when in darkness do we long and reach out for light. Like...

• Those moments when I get the urge to write and I can't turn on the light because I was sure it'd wake my husband up. (That's why he has a no-lamp rule in the bedrooms.) So I just write in the darkness hoping that by the morrow I could read what I've written.

• Brownout. It's the only time I would risk tripping and falling on my nose while searching for candles or for a flashlight. Before that, they don't matter.

• Those teenage years when God's Word, the light unto my path, was shoved in the farthest corner of my life and I lived like a caveman. I was glad when I finally got to live in the light.

• Those three long days after typhoon Haiyan. I was like in a tunnel, praying desperately to come to the light, yet so afraid I wasn't going to see the dawn of light. But it did come. God made sure of it even before the storm.

Aging in Grace

Doing her walk. Barefoot.
Which I so love to do!

Midlife. Life do accelerates after midlife.

So do aging. Wrinkles. Worries. And wilting.

May is my birth month. I just had my birthday. Another one in so many that I am blessed with. They are sure coming one after the other! Praise God!

This has been the first year that I have spent a whole year as an alien in Russia. Knowing from my previous experience of living in a foreign land, I will soon have to say goodbye to the honeymoon stage.

Life goes on.

And tomorrow will be my youngest baby's first birthday. And though I wish I can bake a cake, I prefer to buy one and spare myself the trouble of going crazy over flour strewn around looking like baby powder all over my kitchen. There is also the problem of what to do with an inedible cake. I don't even have any idea what baking powder is, or baking soda, or if a cake needs yeast or not. (If I sound ignorant, that is because I am. I am terrible in baking. That's why I am so mighty proud of my Bilinchik/Russian pancakes. Which, by the way, doesn't include baking.)

My baby, though, is not aging. I am.

Somebody suggested that I should stop counting my age. For him, it's just too many years and the more years, the more it gets embarrassing to mention.

Maybe he is right.

I'm no longer the young girl that I was.

But I don't feel even a tiny bit sorry for being past that season--- not with the acnes, the awkwardness and uncertainties.

Does this mean that I am for aging--- wrinkles, aches, senility and a boring existence?

Wrinkles, well... I am now careful with my sun exposure which was unheard of when I was younger. Having too much sun is dangerous. It's widely known now how sun exposure causes wrinkles, sagging and accelerates ageing.

Aches. Got to exercise!

But a boring existence? Really? As I grow older, I encounter more challenges than I care to handle.

And senility? How about if I read more books and make more friends than I care to eat my chocolates? That would be good for my aging brain.

Or maybe they mean, serenity. No amount of challenge can move you when you have already encountered them all. (Especially if you have moved  past the embarrassing and the murky.)

I prefer to thank God for adding years into my life, and ask, "What else do you have for me, Lord?"

Each new day is a miracle. In it is the knowledge that I may be growing in maturity and wisdom. If not, then I am given another chance to grow.

With age comes the promise of the fulfillment of dreams and richer experiences.

I'm looking at the other side of the coin--- the one filled with possibilities, life and adventure.

Besides, life is too short. God reminded me of how it really is.

As David was in anguish over the wicked, trying not to sin with his mouth by keeping silent, his feelings burned within him. (Can relate much. Sigh.) And he cried,

“Show me, Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days;
    let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
    the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
    even those who seem secure."

Then David prayed. He is positive. And that kind of thinking is anti-aging.

“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.
8 Save me from all my transgressions;
    do not make me the scorn of fools.

Hear my prayer, Lord,
    listen to my cry for help;
    do not be deaf to my weeping.
I dwell with you as a foreigner,
    a stranger, as all my ancestors were.
13 Look away from me, that I may enjoy life again before I depart and am no more.”
(Psalm 39:4,5,8,9,12,13)

My hope is in God. So is everyone else who believes in Him. In Him is salvation from sin, and our wrinkled, wracked-with-sin bodies. In Him we find grace.

We find a rich supply of grace as we live our short, borrowed lives in a world that is not truly ours. We dwell with Him.

Aging becomes not just a process we go through but a gift full of possibilities and one of it is the hope of getting closer to the heart of Jesus.

Growing wiser.
Making good choices.
Living a full and abundant life.
Leaving a legacy.

Aging in grace.

Pathfinding 2: Redeeming Jonah, Redeeming Me

This pathway is made more interesting and fun
with companions like these!

"Love your enemies... do good to those who hate you." I sighed as I read the verses Matthew 5:43 and 44 again and again. "Pray for those who spitefully use you..." I sighed again. I whispered, "It's so hard, Lord."

I am a proud person. In my family, I am probably the most independent, headstrong, and quite a braggart. I needed a heart change. God knows this and this is probably the reason why I am where I am, and going through what I am going through.

Pathfinding 1: The Jonah Journey

Scarecrow-ing around for fun. :)

I volunteer for an organization that teaches and brings up children, young men and women with life skills and a rich spiritual life. It is similar to boy/girl scouting, yet more as it gives its members a sense of direction and meaning in life.

I, myself, grew up in this Pathfinder's Club. Now, I am given the privilege to be an instructor.

Pathfinder's Club uses the Word of God, the Bible, as its main source of knowledge and wisdom; and any other textbooks used has to be weighed against it.

For the past two Saturday afternoons, I taught my class about Jonah. I told it as simply as I could, as the children are not familiar with the Bible and the stories in it. Granted that the kids got it simple, my mind, though, was turning the story around, and up and down. That being the case, though the story of Jonah is out of the ordinary (not everyone gets swallowed by a fish), I found a path--- familiar and well-trodden.

Status: In a Relationship

Taking selfies... (when we're not butting heads) :D

"Mom, I think I should be punished." My son popped his head out of the bathroom door where he was getting ready to take a shower as he uttered those dire words. I was surprised at what he said but deep inside I was doing a victory song and dance: "My God is working! My God is working!"

Praying My Marriage to True Love

Courtesy of my sister Helen's photography...
and her and my bro-in-law's lovely hands. ;)

My marriage has gone through rocks, ravines and valleys. And back again. I am praying it will survive.

Three years ago we did a major move. That move proved to be a catalyst of many challenges. Oh, how it has shaken our lives, our beliefs, our characters, our faith and our love for each other. It hasn't been easy. If we make it through August, my husband and I would be celebrating a huge landmark in our marriage--- the 10th.