Keeping a Heart of Gratitude in the Midst of Hostility

Life has been more of a prison to me lately. I have been held captive by my anger and feelings of insecurity. The former is a means of defense against constant criticism, blame and disrespect. I wish to untangle myself but just as it is painful to leave the source of such anger and insecurities literally, so it is to let go of my anger. If I let go, then what? Would I be protected from further hurt?

In this state, it is very much difficult to be grateful. The only thing that has kept me grounded and not to let everything blow up are my children. How can people stay grateful in situations like this?

Motherhood

I'm on a journey that has no end.

It started off with one. Mikhail, my son, was my first child. With petitions and prayers that I have for him as a mother and the desire to know my Ultimate Parent so as to parent like Him, I set off on my journey to motherhood land. Misha came as a happy, fun-loving and thoughtful fellow. So was I. I was all thoughts and intentions. It was my intent to enjoy the whole journey. Misha made it easy. God gave me all that is in a baby in him. But as most journeys are, there were surprises and twists. 

Wasted

"Be careful how you live, not as fools but as those who are wise" (Ephesians 5:15).

I watched as I poured the contents of an expensive bottle of wine down the sink and out of sight into the drainage. It was a gift. But after an innocent request from a three-year old girl asking for a drink of juice with the bottle of wine in her hands, I decided to take the matter into my hands. No strong drink will my children ever see in this house, if anything is up to me. Wasted? No, not if it's  down in the drain and not in somebody's throat.

The Making of a Domestic Queen

My domestic princesses excited
in helping me out to make breakfast 

The big journey of life is made up of many smaller journeys. There's the journey of growing up, the journey of learning, of marriage, of parenting, of writing or of any interest, of trials and victories. And for women, there's the journey of becoming a domestic queen.

Yes, you heard me right. Domestic queen. She is someone who has mastered the art of household tasks--- the decorating, the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, the scrubbing, the mundane, the drudgery--- and goes about it in an awesome manner--- happy and serene. The book of Proverbs has this to say about being a domestic queen. "She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness."

In our modern times, girls are brought up without education of what goes on in a home. We are sent to school with our parents' intention for us to earn a degree so we can get a job. Nothing wrong with that. But we get this education at the expense of neglecting what is most practically needed in life. A home education. Thankfully, my parents, though they insist on us hitting the books and discouraged us to get work so we can concentrate on our studies, they also assigned us simple tasks. Hence, I have a masters in dishwashing.

Moving On

My family has moved. We've moved to another temporary home. This is our sixth house since my husband and I got married. God has provided a better place for our big family to stay here in Russia. We were too cramped up in our previous apartment. Thank God, kids can go wild now over the space that allows them to move their active bodies.

But not only have I moved with my family physically, I am also ready to move on emotionally.

For the past two years since we got here in Russia, my family had been on limbo. We waited for me to stay. We waited to get on with life. And as we waited, we got tossed about as storms came, uncertainties peaked, I had to leave my children, a daughter was given back to us, and we suffered the loss of both of my parents. Our faith was put to test, our characters shaped. There was no question who we really are. Storms do that. They have a way of stripping us of our donned masks and exposing the real person within. Fickle or faithful?

Being new in my second foreign home, I have been most vulnerable. I am an alien with zero percent knowledge of the language. I am ignorant of how life in Russia goes. I am not in control of my own and my family's affairs or pursuits. Most especially, I am a dependent with children who are dependent on me for their care.

This is something new to me. Something I am not ready or have not planned at all. My whole being protests. I am a middle child and have been independent in thinking. And I have fought hard to be independent in my decisions and actions, too.

But now, I'm moving on.

We packed. Slowly we did. A box there, a bag here. A mammoth furniture there; teeny, tiny gadgets there. I am surprised at how much we have accumulated in our very short life as a family together.

I spent quite a long time looking at photographs and was filled with memories of better days and some tough times that we together had overcome. It was quite pleasant to reminisce on those times that I didn't want to move on to the next task.

My husband found, under the sofa bed while we were dismantling it, a long yellow comb we bought in Korea for W1,000 and he was like he found a treasure. And there were the toys the kids thought were gone forever but were instead buried under all the massive furnitures. They were ecstatic like they just bought new toys. And there were those things that haven't been used for the past two years but were just stored up to oblivion. We have to ask questions. Should this go to the new house or the trash? Do the kids need this? Are we accumulating junk or memories? Should I pack or should I throw?

Yes, moving on takes quite a lot of energy and effort, lots of reminiscing and letting go. Moving on takes gumption to decide to take memories and lessons and leave behind junk and any encumbrances.

For our family, it means moving away from the two years of negative emotions that the circumstances of those years have brought. It also means taking on new challenges. It is time to let go and move forward to where God wants us.

For me, it is a time to resolve to be willing to worship and serve God in any field, environment or capacity that He gives. I have been longing to have my whole family join me. And I am praying.

But it hasn't been easy keeping a Christian home in a very secular society, when even our closest relatives don't acknowledge God. I have resented this. But now I see that Jesus would have done things differently. The Sun of Righteousness doesn't turn up the heat. He warms up the heart, even a frozen heart.

I hope to reaffirm our commitment to our God. We have chosen to worship and serve Him before we have moved here and the challenges came; and I think it's time to put Him in His rightful place if ever we have knocked Him down from His rightful throne in our hearts and lives.

It's time to move on. And I'm moving along with God to guide me. My family will have to live with that and, hopefully, get to live with Him, too.

Of all the wedding presents given during our wedding, I most especially appreciate a wall hanging with a verse from the Book of Joshua that said, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15). In moving from Korea, we have lost it in transit as we sent it through post. It never got to us here. (Update: It did came and is hanging right by the entrance to our home.) But whether its hanging on the wall or not, that verse has been written in my heart and my prayer is that I can say it with my whole family. That as long as we live, whether there's a wall decor reminding us of our decision, or whether we feel like doing it or not, we will choose to serve our King, the One who made the heaven and earth, the One who made us and have given each of us to each other, the One who moves our being for His glory, and the One who goes with us wherever we go.

With Paul, I say, "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:14). And this is what I have to do. "Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth unto those things which are before" (Philippians 4:13).

Maybe you may not be moving anywhere physically, but as life goes on, we have to keep moving forward. Let's not get stuck in the past or the what-ifs. Life is not there. There may be a time or place when life seems to be in a limbo but there is no need to stay there. God has designed for us to keep moving. And perhaps, it's time to move on. To sort. To pack. Whatever you choose to bring along, don't forget to take Jesus with you. He's the nicest friend one can ever have. Anywhere. Everywhere.

I may be an alien, but I don't have to be friendless. There may be a language barrier, but as I've mentioned in my previous post Speak Love, there is a way of communicating beyond languages. Heart speaks to heart. We can speak love. Besides, I can always learn. Also, I find the way of life in Russia interesting, and I think it would help to accept that the Russian way may be different from what I'm used to or wanted. I'm willing to move on. I'm ready to make memories. I'm ready to live life as it is, and not the what-ifs. I'm taking God's hand to tackle on with enthusiasm anything that He gives.

I'm moving on.

Almost Robbed

I was walking home from my work place unmindful of any danger and safe in the thought that I was only a couple of blocks away from home when, unexpectedly, my peaceful thoughts were interrupted. "Please give me your phone," a male voice said. At that same instant, I felt something sharp at my side. I froze, then quickly caught a glimpse of an old, rusty knife pointed at me. In a split second many thoughts raced through my mind. I'm being robbed! There's a knife at my side! I'm going to die! No way! What should I do?! Lord, help me what to do! It's dark! Nobody is around (every normal person would be asleep at 4:00 a.m.)! Then God spoke through my thoughts, "Shout! Shout to wake the whole neighborhood up!"

I didn't have time to argue with God on His methods and on what I should shout, especially with a knife poking my belly, so I shouted, "Don't you dare do this to me!!!" And as I did, I quickly moved a step away from the knife. I shouted at the guy, "Don't you dare do this to me!!!" again and again. He was clearly taken aback.

Being a person who loves words and likes to talk, I am embarrassed that words escape me at that time when I could have been more eloquent and given a good sermon to that guy about robbing a defenseless girl. But, well, no other words really came to my fright-frozened mind that early morning.

Either my words froze him to his toes (highly unlikely as this happened in the hot country of the Philippines) or there was something else, which glued him to the pavement. I took advantage of the surprise I had given him by backing away while still shouting, "Don't you dare do this to me!!!" Yeah, same words. Again and again. I gained more confidence as I saw him frozen at still the same spot where he first pointed the knife at me. I didn't know then (and still don't) why he was all transfixed but it doesn't matter now, only that it gave me confidence. 

I shouted louder and louder, with more flourish, as I gained confidence at every step that I took away from him, even to the point of telling him, "I'm going to call the police and get you jailed!" Finally, some other words! 

Then I turned about face and ran as fast as my two short legs, and the adrenaline pumping through my blood, could take me. I ran like my life depended on it and didn't stop until I reached home.

Okay, so I wasn't really robbed. Just almost robbed. But it would have turned out differently if I had simply given that knife-guy what he wanted. My phone. What would have happened if I have simply given in to my emotions was that, I would have had to endure a loss.

Everyday we are being robbed. And we don't even know it. We are robbed of our precious time, our mental and physical health, our joys, and even of life. Part of the problem is, there is no voice telling us that we are being robbed. They are just simply snatched away right in front of our noses or swept away right from under our feet. And there's no need for a rusty, old knife. Emotions will do. There's fear, guilt, anger, resentment...

After being away from my family for a long time and being with them back again, I should be happy and grateful for what I have: good health even after giving birth for the fourth time in a foreign country, a devoted husband, four happy children, some personal challenges, a warm shelter, food on the table, and a God who showers me with blessings. But the recent weeks has seen me in a very miserable state as I can only think of the turn-off's in my paradise. I don't get along too well with my mother-in-law. I am way too different to most people in my new adopted country and I don't speak the language. I suck at housekeeping, cooking, and taking care of my husband and children. For the past weeks, I have been bombarded by these negative elements and allowed them to overshadow the many good things that I do have. It has robbed me of happiness that I could have enjoyed and… I'm not even at knife-point!

So I wallowed in misery of my own making. I have allowed myself to be robbed. 

As I reflected on my past experience of being almost robbed, I thought, what if I show the same spunk in my present circumstances as I did back then when that knife-guy tried to rob me of my phone? What if I pray, like I whispered a prayer then, asking God what to do? And God was very clear then in what I had to do, even if it involved mostly of shouting. I am positive that He will teach me what to do with the negative elements that rob me from enjoying what I have in my life now as He was in helping me escape from almost being robbed. 

After (not just a whisper but…) a lot of loud-crying, pillow-thumping, tear-jerking talks (a.k.a wrestling) that God has to take from me, here's what we came up with. When we are being robbed by the negative elements in life, here's what to do after 'wrestling' with God.

1. Accept the inevitable. Too many people (and that includes me) allow themselves to be unhappy over minor irritants and forget they have something good going for them. Only God can change people and has the real power over what's happening in this world. You cannot change the 'robber'. I couldn't, even if I had tried giving that knife-wielding guy a sermon. It is still up to him to change his mind whether to continue robbing or not. So with a lot of negative elements in life. Like, my mother-in-law and I don't have a perfect relationship. And try as I might, I won't be able to change her to like me unless she makes up her own mind to do so. All I can do is accept her. Life is already too full of troubles without struggling over things that can't be changed. Besides, she's not the enemy. Remember, our real enemy, the devil, is out there and he wants broken people and lives. The Bible identifies him as "…your adversary the devil, (who) as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour" (1 Peter 5:8). 

Daniel knew why he was in Babylon and not at his home in Jerusalem. It must be painful for him, as it was with the other Hebrews, to see their home broken and themselves, believers of a living God, captives. He had to accept that he had to live with the heathen in a country that didn't acknowledge God. He accepted that. He knew he could not change what God has determined. God has control of what was happening and of the people around him, of which he had no control at all. He lived his life the best he could under such circumstances with all that God had given him. 

At the moment of realization that we are being robbed, we will greatly benefit if we learn to accept the inevitable and enjoy what we have, saving ourselves from a lot of unnecessary anxieties. 

2. Take responsibility. People and circumstances may try to rob us of our time, the joys of life, peace of mind, love, or of our faith in God and we may struggle over their power over us; but we do can decide if we allow them. We may not be able to change them, but we can change the most important person that can directly affect our lives--- ourselves. It is up to you to let the 'robbers' have your 'phone'; or you can tell them what I said repeatedly to that knife-guy who tried to rob me: "Don't you dare do this to me!",  breaking away his hold over me, and taking steps away from him. We can do that. We have a choice. No one can make us happy or miserable. It is up to us to be courageous and make the right choices.

The Scripture is plain that each is responsible for the life given to him and what he makes of it. "The soul who sins shall die... The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself" (Ezekiel 18:20).

Daniel didn't choose to be carried away captive to Babylon, but he did choose not to be robbed of his principles by the circumstances he was in, not even after the king ordered that they be fed with his own food which were not only unclean and unhealthy, but was also offered to idols. Nor did Daniel allow the king to carry out his plan to usurp his God-given power to choose and God's authority over his life. He knew he was responsible for himself, his choices and everything he did. God had given him that freedom. He was free to take control of what went on in his life.

And so with us. God has given us that responsibility. We are accountable for our choices, our actions and whatever changes we want to make in ourselves. God expects us to take responsibility.

3. Take action. Realizing we are robbed and not doing anything about it, is making a choice to be robbed. Even the whisper of a prayer for help to God is already a choice. And whatever that God tells us to do, whether to simply give in or do something to escape, is up to us to follow. But we have to take action--- take a step or run away from getting entangled in the negative elements of life and into God's capable and loving hands. We can be sure that "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe" (Proverbs 18:10).

Pray. Listen. Those are the initial steps that one can make when being robbed. Then, act. I can say, my mom-in-law and I may not have a perfect relationship but complying to what God is telling me to do has made it better. God has the recipe. First, He opened my eyes to my own mistakes and take responsibility for them. Next, He made me accept my mom-in-law as she is and not resent her for whatever anxiety I am experiencing. Then, He opened the way for me to practice what He has been trying to teach me all along for quite a long, long time now. 

The Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5 has always eluded me in the past. I couldn't understand it, nor even come to terms with the words I know are there for me to follow.  Words like 'poor in spirit', 'meek', 'mourn', 'peacemaker', 'persecuted', 'reviled' are hard for me as I am proud, stubborn and egoistic. It is hard, but with God helping me all the way as I take one step at a time away from my own prideful and resentful self, I can see light. I take hope in the fact that if God can change me, then He can change my relationships into something unexpectedly better. I believe that as long as I listen to Him and abide to what He tells me to do (even if I don't quite understand), this negative element in my present circumstance is being threatened and will cease to exist, in the same way that I threatened the man who tried to rob me of getting him into jail.

Nobody can rob us of the joys of living an abundant life with God, unless we are unaware, discontented, blame others, neglectful of what God has given us, and most especially, out of touch with God. We flounder and fumble around with no help. Daniel has a true friend. In every anxiety that he has gone through (though none of his making), He had God to run to. And despite of being threatened, he stayed meek and true to God. And God stayed true to Daniel.

"The Son of God was given to redeem the race. At infinite suffering, the sinless for the sinful, the price was paid that was to redeem the human family from the power of the destroyer and restore them again to the image of God. Those who accept the salvation brought to them in Christ will humble themselves before God as His little children."

"God wants His children to ask for those things that will enable Him to reveal His grace through them to the world. He wants them to ask His counsel, to acknowledge His power… It is well for us to feel our weakness, for then we shall seek the strength and wisdom that the Father delights to give to His children for their daily strife against the powers of evil." (E. G. White, Testimonies, Vol.9, p. 284)

Jesus said, "Learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you will find rest unto your souls" (Matthew 11:29). Let Jesus teach us everyday and watch Him redeem what has been robbed from us.






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Thoughts on Pregnancy, Birth, Postpartum, Babies and Motherhood

I have just given birth to a lovely baby. Her name is Roxana. She is truly a gift from heaven.  In the few days that she has been under my care, thoughts of what it takes and what it means to be a mother has occupied my mind. So I thought of sharing them as to empty my head a li'l bit. ;)

Anyhow, if you have thoughts about birth, pregnancy, motherhood or babies that we might enjoy, feel free to send it to me through my email or pm me through Facebook. I'll include them here together with your name. Thanks... And enjoy the day!

A baby's first smiles can ease the mother's pains and aches like no other medicine can do. 

Giving birth is always an amazing experience (even at my fourth). But with it is acute pain. Pain at how frail we are. Pain at how women are cursed. If only there is no pain... But Eve listened to the serpent just as we still do now-- prone to wander, prone to sin. Giving birth is a curse. Yet even in the painful curse of giving birth, God has never left us hopeless and without mercy. For in every birth, there is empowerment, that though how weak we are, there is enough strength that God has put in us to get every mother through the painful process. And in every birth, there is a blessing, a blessing of taking part in God's wonderful work of creation. And finally, in giving birth, there is hope-- hope that God has never given up on sinful humanity. Every child born is a reminder that God is merciful and "unto us a Child is born" (Isaiah 9:6), the Savior of mankind, Jesus. That Savior was born to a woman--- a woman, weak, sinful, cursed; yet strengthened, blessed, saved through Him--- in the same painful curse of a process, called birth.