Living a Miracle

"Nothing new here, except my marrying, which to me is a matter of profound wonder." 

~Abraham Lincoln of his marriage to M. Todd, 1842

Marriage is a miracle.What else can you call it when two imperfect people, coming from two different planets (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, remember?), having different preferences, points of view, body parts (ahem), past times, favorites like pizza, pasta, pillow size and softness (okay, enough), come together and become perfect for each other? What else?

It's a miracle when...

Do what you love... And why

I enjoy writing though I haven't  had any formal training, nor any professional experience. I haven't written a book. I haven't gotten any money from what I have written. I don't even know if what I write matters. But I write out of the sheer joy of writing. And I will keep on writing. This blog came about out of my own enjoyment of seeing my thoughts come alive in the written word. And I praise God that I got this far in blogging. This month is the first anniversary of my blog The Road Home--- which are snippets of life, of traveling with God, and of finding Home in Him.

"Life is hard." So goes the first three words of the book The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck.

When Fire Makes Steel

I don't enjoy uncertainty. And I sure don't invite adversity. For one, they make my heart thump faster, my chest tighter, my breathing quicker and my stomach all churnish with just a single thought of them. Just too much stress. Gets me all depressed.

It's almost a year now since we have moved from the country where we had our first rented homes. Yet, we are still faced with the uncertainty of where our family's home really is and of what to do. Until now we are caught between Russia and the Philippines. One child goes to school in Russia, the other one in the Philippines, and the youngest is simply flying from one country to the other as she's still too young to go to school.

For certain, uncertainty is part of life.

Blessed to Give

Last Monday was Ella's birthday. I have prepared birthday celebrations for my kids with more budget than we had that day. But by far, this was the best...

I have read about celebrities and rich people celebrating their birthdays with the less fortunate, giving a portion of what they have, and their act of giving is oh-so-inspiring. However, for many normal people, celebrating the way they do remains a wishful thinking...

I Feel Like a Cow!

Updated with baby Roxy

Having a baby is one of the most wonderful thing that can happen to a woman. I really love it. I love newborns. 

My baby smelled heavenly of milk and that special baby smell. He looked divine with rolls of fat on his legs and tiny toes on his feet. I just adored my baby.

But after a week of being home with just him and the incessant demands of feeding (I was solely breast feeding), I happened to look at myself in the mirror during one of his naps and… 

I felt what I saw there. I saw a woman wearing a loose, milk-stained shirt with uncombed, clumps of matted dirty hair. She obviously needed a shower. But when can she have it? Anytime now that little adorable baby might wake up and look for his momma. The shower could wait. Then I smelled her. Wow! It was like milk was oozing out of her pores! And I couldn't help but exclaim, "What a cow!" I smelled like a cow, I looked like a cow, and I felt like a cow! 

Moooo! And I chuckled. I laughed at myself. Alone. 

So this is what motherhood is like, I thought.

New mothers often find themselves isolated and overwhelmed by the new role that they have to perform. Hormones are unbalanced and still on the way to physical recovery, they often feel depressed and alone. Husbands may not understand what they are going through and so do friends who wonder why they are not excited with the new baby. On the extreme, they may have post-natal depression and need proper care and counseling. On a normal level, mothers can't help but feel stuck after the constant round of feeding and diaper changing, especially when there is nobody to help with the chores or to alleviate their loneliness. 

I was feeling that way then. And there are times when I still feel stuck with the never-ending grind of taking care of children, house, work and all. How does one get out of these mess? 

But life is messy filled with people whom you trust and doesn't come through, the difficulty of striving for financial security, and of simply making it through one day... 

When do they end? They may take a different form but they sure make me feel like a cow again. Ugly. Messy. Alone. Helpless. Forging to nowhere. Seeming to last forever. Makes me want to run away. Escape.

God, are you there? I often ask.

And I find that He is. Right here. With me. That's why He is called Immanuel. He is with us. (Matthew 1:23). We are not alone.

My 'cow days' are over. I don't feed my babies now every hour. And I sure have thrown away my milk-stained clothes; and look and smell normal for the most part. My 'cow days' were only for a season. They have come and gone. And any situation that has a 'cow face' will do the same. They will come and go, serving their purpose in me (and anybody involved).

So, they may look endless? Menacing? Hopeless? Scaring the wits out of me? Giving me sleepless nights? 

I know sleepless. It started just before I labored for my baby and went through all the nights of caring for him. God has given me the courage to be a mom. And being a mom has given me confidence to face challenges with God, whether they make me feel like a cow or not.

God calls mothers to be courageous. I was a cow-ard before I became a mom--- cow-ering because of the future, cow-ering at responsibilities, afraid of children, afraid of what other people might say, afraid of being a loser, afraid of so many things. But just as in any calling, God has promised His strength and He will carry us to where we should be. He said, "Only be strong and very courageous... that you may prosper wherever you go" (Joshua 1:7). He just wants us to love Him and hold fast to Him (Deutoronomy 11:22).

And so when you find yourself feeling like a cow, stuck in a situation so big that you cannot move, remember to "trust in the Lord with all your heart... Acknowledge Him, and He will direct your goings" (Proverbs 3:5,6). You will find your mind soaring high, your heart singing praises... And a cow can't do that. 

You are not a cow.





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To Drink or Not to Drink

"Sorry, I don't drink." 

I'm not sure how many times I had to say that line in just one evening. It was the night my husband introduced me to his friends. And for the most part, socializing usually involves a little bit of drinking or eating while talking. It would be too awkward when the talking gets a little too slow and one is left with just twiddling thumbs or gulping air.

Far, Yet So Near

I kissed and hugged my husband goodbye. Most days it was to see him off to work. At other times, it was to wish him a good time fishing or hunting. But we knew this time was different. I would be gone with the girls with no definite plans of coming back. Yes, we were leaving Russia, but we knew we were coming back. When? Nobody knew. (But I'm sure God does.)

I left Russia with a heavy heart, yet hopeful, knowing that I will see my dear husband and son again.